That Time of Year Again!

For the past couple of years, I have fostered a secret obsession. There is one thing I want every year but it can’t be found under the Christmas tree (despite how many times I check). I keep thinking this next act will be what I need to do and I will finally possess the most elusive thing to me: the Christmas spirit. 

Just to clarify, I’m not some scrooge or grinch, I do enjoy Christmas. I love looking at all the store windows all dressed up, I smile at the Salvation Army workers ringing their bells and always make sure to drop some change in, I decorate cookies with glee, and I take utter joy in looking at my advent calendar and unwrapping a chocolate with each passing day. In my mind I am doing everything “right” to possess the Christmas spirit, but to quote Bill Nighy as Billy Mack from Love Actually  I don’t “feel it in my fingers” and “feel it in my toes.” 

I know I didn’t always feel this way, but as I try and pinpoint the exact moment this feeling occurred I can’t. Was it when I stopped believing in Santa? I don’t think so? Was it when I became conflicted over whether Christmas is a legitimate holiday or just one created to foster consumerism? Considering I took glee in the deals I got on Black Friday, I think not. Some time in high school knowing the stress of finals loomed past after Christmas break, it made the holiday feel as if it was something to get through as if it was a hurdle in a long distance race, albeit an enjoyable hurdle, but a hurdle nonetheless. It all seemed like an effort for something so fleeting. 

The past couple of years, I have taken on various activities all with the selfish attempt of this will be the action that helps me “earn” the Christmas spirit, whatever that means. Yet no matter what I do the Christmas spirit evades me. This year felt different for some reason I just haven’t even made an effort to “get into” the Christmas spirit. Whatever actions I have forced in previous years to take on this spirit didn’t seem worth it this year. It felt like going full gorging myself at every holiday party then trying to get into my leather leggings and acting surprised when they didn’t fit so in other words: futile. 

Rather than try and get into the Christmas spirit, I’ve been trying to embrace a spirit of generosity in a multitude of ways. At the holiday time, there are the obvious markers of giving: giving gifts to loved ones, donating to charities, and giving time. While I’ve done those in the past, I’m trying other smaller acts as well that might not exactly qualify as “generous” but I’m counting them. When I’m driving and a car is trying to pull out into a busy road stopping to let them go, offering the person behind me at the grocery store, who seems to be in a rush to cut me in line, when a friend is going on to long not cutting them off, but realizing maybe they just need someone to listen. While referring to them as small may seem like I’m diminishing them in some way, but what I really mean is intentional acts. Seeing someone whose hands are full walking into the post office and waiting that extra minute so that I am able to hold the door for them. Thinking everyday, what is something I can do that can make someone else’s life a little easier today?  

        This may not be the Christmas spirit I want so badly, but it's a mindset shift and that's a small gift I can give myself this year. Take away some of the pressure I have put on myself to have something that may be unrealistic and instead focus on what I can do.